Tightrope

I'm so upset with myself right now. I'm angry at myself. I'm disappointed. I know I can do better than this. So why don't I? Why don't I learn? Because I've always made it to the other side.

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I've always been a procrastinator. I've always been a perfectionist. I'm a procrastinator because I'm a perfectionist.

I have a tendency to not want to start things, and not want to finish things. I have notebooks full of random ideas that never see the light of day, and piles of unfinished paintings sitting expectantly in my room. Usually, I procrastinate till the last minute and somehow it all works out. Usually, if I don't finish, it's okay because it wasn't too important. Usually, I'm okay with this, but right now I'm not.

I had two internship applications due today -- both of which, required recommendation letters. I calculated the time they were due and let my professors know that they had till this morning to send them to me. If I requested them late, how could I demand them earlier?

Sitting at WeWork, I opened up my laptop to start work on the essay portions because I knew it was due in the evening. But as I looked at the portal again, my eye caught the "EST" after the time and I panicked. I added three hours to the deadline instead of subtracting. The applications were due at 2pm -- not 8pm.

I frantically emailed my professors: "Sorry for the chaos, but I did the timezone math wrong. Is there any way you can get this to me by 2pm? If not, it's okay. I understand!" and they immediately sent me the letters (bless them omg).

And I submitted one of applications at 1:57pm.

And I didn't even start the other.

And it's not okay.

And I don't understand.

Many years ago, in the middle of a cram session for my ABRSM exam, my piano teacher diagnosed my issue. "It's like all your life, you've been walking a tightrope. And you like the thrill of it, the adrenaline. But it's only because you've always made it to the other side. That's the only reason you continue to walk this tightrope."

And I know he's right. The only reason I continue to procrastinate is because somehow I've always come out of the other side pretty much unscathed. That doesn't mean I haven't missed opportunities in the past or could have produced better work. It just means that I survived. And often times, I'm satisfied with surviving.

But it's moments like these that make me want to stop walking the tightrope. I missed the deadline, not because I couldn't complete it on time, but because I didn't. And when I look around at the aftermath, there is really no one else to blame but myself. Success or failure, it's all me now. The tightrope no longer has the safety net.

I'm quite disappointed in myself, honestly. It wasn't a huge application or anything. It wasn't even something that I was super invested in. But I didn't try, and that's what kills me. I didn't try. I took my luck for granted. I didn't plan for the worst case scenario. In fact, I didn't plan for any scenario other than the best.

All my life, I relied on external motivation to reach my goals. It was either my mother, or my coach, or my teachers. It's the deadline or the expectation that lights a fire under my ass to get to work. Very few things, I am motivated to do for my own sake. And I don't know if that's a strength or a weakness. For the most part, it allows me to be at peace with life. If I don't have huge expectations, I can move through life mildly resigned, but never truly hurt or disappointed. But on the other hand, the moments that crop up once in a while asking "hey, why didn't you do this. You would be happier if you did, prouder if you did, if only you did." Those are the moments that I fear are quietly baking regrets into my life. Because I don't push myself in those tiny inconvenient moments, I feel like I'm missing out on what or who I could be. It feels like a waste of potential.

I don't know. The few people I know who are aggressively proactive and self-motivated scare me a little. How are they so on top of everything? How are they... okay??? I really don't know. And I really don't know if I even want to be them. That degree of productivity doesn't seem attractive to me.

Perhaps there's some sort of in-between, though. Not a tightrope. Not a superhuman productivity machine. Just... a tightrope with my own safety net? Maybe a productivity machine that pumps out well-deserved pride instead of complacent satisfaction? Maybe.

But for now? Sigh. Here we are again. Staring down at the ledge. Guess I better start walking.