Loose Ends

And that's the end. Another end, I should say. I just finished my last class of the semester, said goodbye to the last professor. Usually I'm more upset by endings, but this time feels different. A little less heavy. A little less drama. A little less true ending.

---

Endings have always sat heavy in my chest. They weigh me down, not because I miss the moments that have passed, but because I mourn for the moments that will no longer come to be by nature of where I am. For the lives that I could have lived, but didn't. Because of choices that I made. Or because life unapologetically moves on.

For example, last semester, I had a great experience learning with one of my professors in my philosophy class. The people in that group, the consistency of knowing we will meet twice a week, and ability to know that there is always something to talk about because we all have read the same readings is a luxury that seems to not exist outside of institutions like schools or work environments. So even though I have enough strength to let go of the fact that all those good times will not repeat, I'm still heavy with the question of whether those friendships and bonds can withstand the wide open world of just normal life. That if there is no classroom experience, do the friends I make disappear with the circumstance as well?

Perhaps it shouldn't matter. If I truly wish to keep in touch, there will always be a way. But now there is no excuse. I cannot message someone asking about an assignment. I cannot "go to office hours" to discuss the class materials more in depth. I don't have a reason for continuing these relationships other than the mere fact that I want to.

And I don't know if that makes me someone who values relationships enough put effort into their continuance or merely someone who doesn't know how to let go and move on.

There are professors and students I still chat with from high school even though we don't meet in real life or have "reason" to interact. We don't hang out as much, but that weighs on me less heavily now than when the ending was fresh. There are dance friends I still text, but that usually has to do with dance things, which is still a big part of my life. I still have my excuse. I still have a reason.

Sometimes I wonder who we would keep in our lives if we didn't have these "reasons" to interact with them. School or church or work or club or simply by nature of seeing them everyday at a coffee shop.

To be honest, I never had strong reason to always go to Cafe's Oliver in Korea other than the fact that I wanted to be friends with Oliver. I wanted him in my life. So I made an effort. I created reasons to visit. Sometimes those reasons were more because I needed to study or because I wanted a coffee and the prices were cheap there. But other times, I just wanted to see the smile on my friend's face. Because that made me happy. For no reason.

I didn't have a strong reason to continue dance classes in Hyderabad and make the hour-long journey back and forth to classes. I didn't know anyone other than the one aunty I had known when I was younger. I had even less reason to continue dance classes when I moved to Bangalore and it became virtual. If you asked me on any given day why I continued, maybe I'd tell you that it was for exercise or to fill the time or just because I liked dancing. But is liking dance a reason? I could have just as easily practiced on my own. But I missed the people. I missed doing something so passionately with people who were just as passionate. I missed being inspired by a guru who doesn't even realize that she's inspiring. My reason is the people I miss. My reason was created by my desire to continue those relationships and that growth and those moments.

Maybe it goes both ways. Maybe institutions create reasons for building relationships and building relationships can be a reason to join institutions.

But some institutions have an ending. I couldn't stay in Korea forever just to visit Oliver's coffee shop. I couldn't continue online dance classes with Bala ma'am at the cost of sleep and decent scheduling of time. I can't stay in school forever.

And I shouldn't.

I wonder why we are so unsettled by endings. Why do they feel like loose ends, never to be mended. I wonder if true endings even exist. I used to get so distraught by the thought that I would never see certain people in life again, or that certain moments could never be continued because life relentlessly moves on. You could see it in the bags under my eyes and in the little trinkets I carry around with me. You can see it in my frayed edges. But you can also see it in my effort to create reasons. My excuses.

I'm sure there is no rule, no equation, that tells you who will stay in your life for a long time. And if there was, I don't know how much good it would actually do. But right now I'm glad that I'm not sinking from the weight of moments that will never be. I'm glad that I'm getting a little better at not grieving in advance. Because I know that there will always be more moments. Different moments. Moments that will be worth having because I was willing to let go of those people who didn't find reasons to still be in my life. And I'm glad that I have the confidence to always find reasons to continue relationships, even if they are not in their original form, if I want to. If they bring value to my life. If there is value in not letting them go.

I don't think life gives very many true endings. They're all just loose ends and frayed edges. All we can do is make choices and see where they lead us. I'm going to stop grieving the choices that I've made. I'm going to forgive myself for not living every single life that I could have. And I'm going to make peace with loose endings. Because that's the best we can do in life, sometimes.

As I sit here in the 600 WeWork I now call home, I'm surprisingly okay with the semester being over. I'm okay saying goodbye to people who I know I will never interact with in the same setting, with the same classmates, at the same time and place. Because I had that moment. And I will have more. All I can do now is ask myself:

Do I mend this ending? What will it cost me? Do I have a reason? Do I need a reason?