Some Things Never Change

Four months truly is the sweet spot. It's the exact amount of time it takes me to get settled in the came back to Dallas, which was September-ish, what I expected was far different from what I got. But this is it. This is the end of yet another semester. But honestly, it wasn't half bad.

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When I came back to Texas, I did not expect to experience culture shock. After all, I was born and raised here. But life continues to surprise. It took me a while to reacquaint myself with the home I'd left behind and renegotiate the boundaries I didn't realize had shifted amongst family and friends.

Some things never changed. Like how cozy my bed feels or painted the Texas sunsets look. The carpet felt the same between my toes and my room reminded me of all the years I spent doing this thing or the other in between those four walls. The orange walls and the white bed. They were where I had left them. In my memories and in my life.

Some things changed a lot, though. I remember I walked in from the airport and found new photos hanging on the wall, tons of new plants (my mom's a plant lady now), and an empty square of carpet where my favorite couch used to be. My mom changed. She seems more... confident? She seems more sure of herself now. My sister grew a whole lot more. She's in that awkward middle school phase now. Ahhh. I don't miss that.

What changed the most, though? Was me. Things looked different because I'm different. My eyes see different colors now. My heart beats a different rhythm. Not good, not bad. Just different.

And so when I came back home, I decided that I'm going to be unapologetically myself. It was about time I had my teenage rebellion moment. And since my mom seemed to be more grounded, I felt less bad about creating havoc.

The initial realization that I was different elicited a mostly negative response, not just from my mom, but most Indian adults in my vicinity. "Oh you found your mouth?" they'd say. Or "oh you think Minerva made you smarter than everyone else?" Crazy what confidence can do.

Growing up I was horribly insecure. I still am from time to time, but I have less tolerance for needless insecurity these days. It's something I learned, not from Minerva, but from literally just living away from home. When you're forced to take care of and depend on yourself completely for basic necessities and wellbeing, something changes. Suddenly, a dialog that you had mostly with the caretakers in your life, shifts inwards. You learn to take care of yourself. And how can you take care of yourself without loving yourself first?

In a way, I proved to myself that I am capable of all the things I assumed I wasn't. And truly that was all it took. Knowing that I can do things on my own made my insecurities more malleable to my will. It made my insecurities seem like lies, which I had no reason to believe.

So when adults ask me questions and I give them honest answers, they tend to be taken aback by my confidence. Their explanation is simple: She was more reserved before Minerva. She went to Minerva. Now she is more outspoken. Minerva made her outspoken. The less glamorous truth is just that I've decided that my opinions are not worth the energy to hide, and that adult disapproval means very little to me now that I know I can be self-sufficient.

And honestly, I'm proud of that.

This reconciliation of the old Amulya with the new one who suddenly showed up after many months to reclaim her orange room took a hot minute. And it was really frustrating and exhausting. I wanted to run away from it many a times, and there were definitely moments when I thought people wanted me back in my old skin. But as time passed, things gradually got better.

Especially with my mom, she slowly learned where my new boundary line was drawn. And it must have been hard for her to see me grow up, but I'm glad that we got past it. Now we have a muchhhhhh more baggage free relationship, something I never knew was even possible.

It's been a crazy semester. It's been a crazy year. But all in all, I'm glad I got to spend this time at home. It was a good reset. A good set of roots. There's nothing quite like the comfort and discomfort of home, eh? Some things never change.