The Person is Not the Problem

Growing up, yelling rarely felt like it was about the issue at hand, but rather about how I am a bad person and that is why I wasn't perfect and didn't do this little thing and so now I'm getting yelled at for 2 hours about how I didn't drink milk in the morning or something menial like that. If you yell and complain and dictate for everything, then every mistake seems worthy of punishment, and nothing stands out as more important or more wrong. The punishment didn't feel proportional to the crime, and to me, that is what kept me from wanting to oblige. It wasn't that I disagreed with what I was being told, but rather, that I was being told what was right and wrong and not explained why it was right or wrong.

Don't tell me why I was wrong, but convince me -- so that I, myself, would wan't to change. I knew my mother loved me, but sometimes in the moment it felt more like she needed somewhere to put her anger than me actually doing something wrong, deserving of this yelling.

And everything is not connected. Sometimes you forget things or something goes wrong that you didn't plan for but all of those are not examples of your lack of responsibility. And framing them as such makes you think that the problem has no solution because the problem seems like it's you. Which is rarely what parents actually believe, but are what they often convey since little distinctions between "you are irresponsible" and "this thing that you did is an example of being irresponsible" are never made. Don't look for evidence to convince the other person that they are irresponsible, but rather, say "Here, you forgot this thing, if you do this other thing, then the bad thing could have been avoided, don't you agree? So why not change this thing to avoid this bad thing in the future?"

WHY is that so hard. Ok well I know why it's hard -because #confirmationbias and #psychologicalexplanation and emotionssssss- but if anything it's counterproductive.

It makes the child more defensive and unresponsive and that in turn makes the parent more annoyed because "attitude" and then that makes the kid think that something is wrong with them when all the while two people just failed to communicate that they both just want what's best for both of them because they focused on the people and didn't address the problem.

In a way it makes sense because when you're more invested, it's easier to psychoanalyze every minuscule detail and assume that it has significance even if it may not. But I don't think that is justification enough for being inefficient with teaching some lesson.

I think we tend to associate fear with learning- especially in asian cultures. I've heard the argument that "you need a little fear to motivate kids" and I completely agree, but "a little" tends to get stretched far more than is necessary or effective. If I fear you, then I am motivated by punishment. But if I respect you, then I'm motivated by the reward of parental approval when I do something right. I gain trust, and behavioral research has shown that reward often outperforms punishment in the long run.

But we shouldn't expect immediate change. As kids, sometimes you just need to make your own mistakes to learn your lesson. Explanations don't equate to immediate understandings, and we realistically shouldn't expect them to. Huge topics like responsibility, trust, time management and integrity aren't things that you can be explained through and then TA DA you're suddenly responsible now. Heck, adults grow and improve in them too. More than learning character, we build character- which implies growth OVER TIME. Just because "I told you to fix this ages ago" doesn't mean you told me how, or more importantly, why. And ultimately, just telling me is unlikely to just fix it immediately anyway. Genuine change in character takes time, and perseverance, and most of all, personal motivation, which could come from some inspiring talk that your parents give, but likely will come from some stupid mistake you made with a friend or at work or something.

I don't think yelling is inherently bad. But if you yell, it should have a purpose. And you should only yell (if necessary) in a way that makes the problem feel wrong, not the person.

This is something that we learned as a part of our negotiation chapter. When negotiating, separate the person from the problem so that feelings and the relationship are not damaged in the process. Rather, address the problem respectfully and in a way that makes both parties invested and focused on correcting the issue. The second you attack the other party's character instead of their actions, the discussion turns into an argument, and the agreement turns into a tug-of-war. There are so many cases where a "we" becomes a "you," which sours the taste of progress, whether it be in negotiation or teaching a child a lesson.

A really good film, in my opinion, is one that teaches you something. In film class, they always say to make a good film, you have to "show not tell," and I would argue that the two are connected. When you show something, you teach without forcing. You say here is what happened and here is the evidence, now make your choice about what is right and what is wrong. It makes the person on the receiving end feel like they are in control (whether they are or not).

There are a lot of things that I learned subconsciously and only realized once I got to college. For example, I realized that I really valued selflessness, which is not something my mother ever explicitly told me, but rather something that she showed examples of as she went through her day to day. Her actions served as examples of selflessness in my mind, and registered so strongly that it took me a long while to be able to recognize it and process the bad sides of it. It was ingrained in me that selflessness is a respectable virtue, and though I was never explicitly told why, it didn't matter because I was shown why. And the irony is that by neglecting to take care of herself in the process of doing so much for my sister and I, she unintentionally taught us that it is justified to not take care of yourself first.

Children are incredibly malleable, and what I've come to realize is that the best way to teach, is to teach by example. Consistently being good, teaches good. That way, we learn with dignity, and just a little bit of empathy. Sometimes we forget to separate the person from the problem and end up justifying the means by the end. But be cautious of the words not spoken. If a good movie teaches by "showing not telling," then maybe a good teacher does the same by leading, not lecturing.