The End of a Beginning

Sometimes I wonder what matters more: the past or the present. I know everyone says that you should "be in the moment!" and to "live the now!" but I feel like the "now" doesn't last as long as a memory. And sure your memories are biased and your brain manipulates them, but are people anything more than their experiences and the actions they base on those experiences? Shouldn't what lives in my brain years after the fact matter more than the moment?

---

It's been a couple weeks since my first semester ended and even though I wanted to write about it, I didn't quite know what to put into words or how. I feel like I've been left with more questions than answers- but I guess that's just life.

The biggest thing that has been bugging me is the idea that the present doesn't matter because it doesn't last if it isn't emotionally potent enough.

The brain does this really annoying thing where it more clearly records moments that are very emotionally impactful (for better or for worse). These "extreme" moments, we'll call them, are the memories that end up creating your understanding or the world and how you approach the day to day because they are what you likely can recall most vividly- they seem the most real. How many times have you forgotten what you had for lunch at the end of the day or wondered whether you locked the car or not? Those memories don't matter, you didn't feel anything, so you didn't remember them. And thus, they didn't become you.

I know I've been writing this a lot, but I've felt happy a couple times over the past semester. I felt like I was at peace, like I could exist or not exist but everything is okay regardless. And in the moment, these moments are euphoric and serene and I felt so present. But two days later, I could tell you where I was, but not what caused that feeling. A month later, I remember I was happy, but that's about it.

What good is a feeling you can't remember? What good is an emotion that didn't last or change or create some impact? I mean I'm sure it impacted me, because I do remember that I felt that feeling, but I can draw from that past like I could with other, more potent memories.

What good is happiness if I can't remember what it feels like?

It makes me wonder whether I should even strive for happiness? Instead, shouldn't I just strive for "extremes"? Shouldn't I just take those leaps of faith and just feel things, good or bad, because at least they last longer?

I can't tell which I value more: feeling happiness or remembering happiness. But the question has been bothering me for quite a while now.

I have some friends that make me super happy, but equally stressed out. We had really fun times together and made some memories that I won't forget for the rest of my life. But they are also very emotionally volatile, and truth be told, they're the kind of people I worry to invest emotion in because I'm scared they'll care less than I will. Regardless, a couple weeks ago, I stopped hanging out with them...and the strangely, the stress melted away. I felt calm, and my gut tells me it's because I cut out the bad. It felt like happiness, sure. But it also felt empty- like I was floating in a lot of space and at peace. But blink once and that vast space just became a cold and endless void. Like I cut out the good with the bad.

The happiness felt empty. And it didn't last. And I don't remember it. So does it even matter?

I don't know. And I don't think anybody truly "knows."

I'm just going to have to be okay with that and untangle this mess that I've made in my head.