SF to Seoul

There were soooooo many times throughout this summer that I wanted to write, but I kept forcing myself to live in the moment. So much has happened, and I am very content with the fact that I chose to stay home over the summer.

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Making Amends

For a long time I convinced myself that it was noble to carry other people's pain- so long as you're helping them. But as the years piled on, the weight grew unbearable. So I decided I just needed to run away. And so I did. And SURPRISE that didn't actually fix the problem because the sadness I tried to bury just inconveniently sprouted its own problems. So I decided I just needed to forgive and forget. And so I did. AAAAANNDD SURPRISE that actually worked. For a little bit. It put the pain in past tense and forced me to look forward. It made it o k a y. And honestly that was enough. But then I came home, and little grievances stacked up to build a staircase to "a talk."

And suddenly what I accepted as impossible... happened.

For so long I waited for an apology. Not asked, but waited. And for so long I thought that is what I needed. But when I finally got that apology, it made me feel worse.

What I wanted we change. I wanted improvement. Progress. And now I realize that. in a way, not explicitly asking for that change puts me a little at fault too.

Not sharing or showing your hurt keeps the other person from knowing that maybe they should change. And how much can you blame a person for not knowing?

Regardless, I feel much more at peace for cleaning up old heartaches, and it definitely makes coming home a more enjoyable experience.

Dance

I've danced for a very large part of my life. As in before I was even 5 years old, I started Kuchipudi classes. And wOw I missed dance in SF. Luckily, I got to help out with a lot of my friends' Rangapravesam's this summer and it really reminded me of how much comfort this art from gives me. I also made some friends along the way. We hung out with the musicians and the gang went out for brunch. I think my dance friends are truly the only group of friends that I feel like will stick with me for the rest of my life. It's one of the few places I don't question whether I fit or not. It's another home, and I sometimes can't believe how grateful I am to be a part of it. I'm so excited to dance in Hyderabad. I also want to visit Kuchipudi and Padma auntie said that I'll perform somewhere in India too so that's super exciting too. Oh man I'm gunna miss Padma auntie and all the laughs. But I think I'm ok. If I've learned anything this summer, it is that if you really want to hold on to people, you can. All it takes is a little effort :)

Hangul

I don't fully know why or how I've committed to learning Korean, but all throughout summer I have pretty consistently been learning the language. Obviously I'm not fluent but I feel like I can hold simple conversations now and am comfortable enough with the language where I won't be clueless in Korea. It kind of started with the fear of a more closed culture and my general curiosity for different languages, but slowly I started watching K-dramas and I think that's really where it kicked off.

The first K-drama I watched was "Reply 1988." Oh and let me tell ya, IT WAS SO GOOD. I cried like every other episode. I'm a sucker for a story with a good moral. What can I say. This drama was definitely what got the ball rolling. I would watch it with the "learning subtitles" on, and I think this is where the sound of the language itself and the intonation of how they speak really started to stick out to me. The more I watched, the more it sounded very familiar. Especially culturally, I realized that many of the tendencies that I branded as "Indian" in my head, turned out to exist in Korean culture as well. Honestly. So. Cool.

The next one I watched was "Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo." This one was also pretty good. I think the acting of the lead guy was honestly one of the highlights and the concept was pretty fun too. Considering that I watched this second, though, I definitely felt like it was a little less aMaZiNg than the Answer Me series. However, my need to learn Korean really picked up with this one. The more I watched, the more I wanted to just watch and not have to read the subtitles. To be fair, at this point, I started to pick up some of the more common words and phrases like "hello," or "I love you" and stuff like that. By this point I had learned the alphabet pretty well, but I definitely couldn't read at the subtitles pace. Sigh.

The third drama I watched was "What's wrong with Secretary Kim?" and to be honest, I really didn't like it. This is the point where I was questioning why I started with the best drama and worked my way down the goodness-ladder. The plot was dragged out too much, the male lead's character was inconsistent (how can you be narcissistic but also care about other people), and it was just overall meh. BUT I did start understanding more of it. I tried to alternate my lessons with episodes so that I could almost learn some things and the look for them in the "reality" of the show. It made the learning process much more fun, and I feel like simply listening for words helped me improve so much. Also, in general, since the phonetics and grammar line up A LOT with Telugu, Korean just turned out to be a convenient language to learn.

Lastly, I watched "Strong Woman Do Bok Soon" WHICH WAS GOOD YO. Oh wow it was really funny. This was also one of my favorites, and it was at this point where I could slowly start understanding the simpler sentences without having to read the subtitles.

I know it probably seems like "ok she just watched tv and is learning a language. Why is it such a big deal?" but this really helped me feel productive over the summer, and it makes my feel prepared for my semester in Seoul. Language is an in to culture, and it really changes the perspective with which you approach a society. I have no interest in being a tourist, but rather, want to be a part of their community. Obviously I can never 100% be a part of their community, but what's the harm in trying? 정말 재밌다 ;)

Friends

A part of me was a little afraid to come back home. A year away taught me that people only stay in touch if they really want to stay in touch. There were definitely a lot of people that I missed and facetimed over my semester in SF, but there were also a couple people who never texted even though I thought they would eventually.

When I visited during winter break, I found it really hard to realize that people move on with their lives with or without you. Old friends find new friends, and though I know that my place in their heart is different, it was just hard to see a world continue as if it didn't need my presence to exist. Which is honestly just very egocentric but yo I'm human, what can I say.

What was cool was that over the summer, I actually made new friends. People who I hadn't spent time with in the past suddenly were available to just hang out, and I found myself going out of my way to get to know them as much as I could in the few months that I was here in Texas.

I complain that people don't text me, but in a way, I didn't text them either. Those paths go both ways. Maybe this time I'll chose to take a step forward even if the other person. Afterall, why should my love for another person be bound to their love for me?

Seoul

I'm SO excited for Seoul. I spent quite a bit of time researching their culture and language and people and I'm really excited to see how that perception aligns (or doesn't) with reality. The culture, in some ways, is actually quite similar to Indian culture, which I found surprising at first. I hope I don't get too bogged down with academics and get time to explore. Nah. I'll MAKE time. Here's to Seoul. Minerva, here I come.