Impermanence

It's in moments like these that I'm reminded of the impermanence of life. In the wake of the uncertainties that the Corona Virus has infected the world with, the suddenness of friends leaving and unexpected goodbyes surprisingly took a quiet toll on my heart. It wasn't till Grace was sitting in the Uber waving goodbye as my remaining roommates sang "Amazing Grace" around me that the tears carried enough weight to fall. And the rest was gravity.

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How we act in times of uncertainty reveals our character in confusing and uncomfortable ways. Some panicked and went home. Some decided that the risk was not worth taking. Some just went home because why not? And even more some are stuck somewhere in between, like me, just waiting for life to make its decision.

Obviously we were all going to leave Hyderabad at some point or the other, but the fact that Corona expedited that process a month and a half in advance, leaves me feeling very...incomplete. As if life didn't even give me the chance to complete what we started.

The people I met in the city, the projects I started, the places on my bucket-list all sit staring back at me expectantly. The eyes of the empty check boxes just wait, as if they're asking "soooo, are you going to finish this?".

And the answer is: I don't know. I definitely want to, but I don't know if I can. Or if I should.

Should I stay in Hyderabad and just wait it out? Should I go back to the US to stay with my mom? Should I go to Vizag and stay with my grandma? What do I do? In a world that is scrambling to plug holes in a sinking ship, what is the right choice? Do I jump out and swim or do I stay and save what is left?

The worst part is I know we can never really recreate our Hyderabad experience. Never again will we be 20 in a foreign country with all of our friends and nothing more than college commitments. Sure we can come back with a couple of us later, but life moves on with or without you, and the timestamp on this moment can't tick backwards.

I guess I just don't like the feeling of being unprepared. Or left behind. Thankfully most of my roommates are staying for now, but the stealth with which panic spread and the fact that so many "friends" didn't even blink when faced with the question of "what if I am trapped in Hyderabad," really unsettles me.

Ok I get it. Indian culture is different and your country is closing its borders and the health infrastructure is probably worse here than in your home country, but why is being with 140 other students who are in the same situation for a couple months so unthinkable? So unbearable? Why are so many people who signed up for a program to immerse themselves in various cultures and experiences, chose comfort at the first sight of uncertainty?

Obviously it's not that simple, and there are internship and visa and all kinds of other considerations that people had to take into account when making the decision to leave, but I think I just expected a different response from my classmates. I expected a little bit more resilience and fight. I expected at least a drop of community in the face of adversity. I expected a little more calm in the face of a storm.

I don't know what the right choice or what the wrong choice is, and in fact, there probably is no black and white right or wrong, but my stubbornness is not willing to give into the paranoia just yet. I refuse to lock myself in a room for months on end in fear of an illness that likely can't kill me. I refuse to feed the panic by stocking up on hand sanitizer and face masks because they've closed down the mall and the cinema. I refuse to run back to the US because they may be closing their borders (heck wasn't the point of Minerva to teach you how to live in other countries?). And I refuse to let my emotions rule my decisions.

That being said, I'm not gunna be stupid.

Obviously wash your hands. Obviously avoid travel and mass gatherings and unnecessary exposure to public spaces. Obviously isolate yourself if you feel unwell and get tested in order to prevent those around you from suffering as well. Obviously. Listen to the experts.

But the point is, I don't want to stop living life because life threw a curve ball. I don't know what'll come next. But I'm gunna spend my time while I still can.