Freedom: Use it or Lose it.

Freedom is one of those kind of things: if you don't use it, you'll definitely lose it.

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Recently, the romantic relationship I was in ended. It wasn't a surprise and it wasn't bitter and cold (that part was a little surprising, maybe). The relationship was complicated and had from the start been set up against the odds. But still we both fought long and hard for the love that was definitely there the whole time- even in the end. I feel quite lucky to have had such a thorough and growth filled relationship as opposed to one that might have left me traumatized or jaded. Instead I feel confident that LOVE exists as a magnificent concept independent of my or any other relationship. I feel hopeful knowing that it will always be there and that people exist who can render it real and strong. And obviously I'm a bit sad that our relationship will have to change once again and I will have to let go of certain things that I had been holding on to out of a blind hope. But I know it is for the better. And I know it will only be in service of the growth of both of us. Isn't that magical?

Scrolling on Instagram the other day, I came across some quote that amounted to "If you don't use your freedom, you'll lose it." The thought felt new to me. I'd never considered freedom to be one of those things. Muscle mass and internal courage, yes. But freedom? The idea brought me pause. And lingered in my mind. "Use it or lose it."

Looking back, in my relationship there were many things that I learned to compromise on. This I don't say as an inherently negative thing as Western society so often deems, but rather a fact of the matter that when any two people build an intimate relationship with one another, there naturally develops a pull for compromise at the threat of friction. As a self-proclaimed hot head and stubborn advocate for anything that stokes my passions, compromise did not come easy to me. It felt against my nature. But overtime, the person I was with gently showed me its strengths and necessity when used appropriately. I grew to value compromise. In time, I understood it. And changed.

Like that, we lived in the varies greys of uncertainty for two whole years. There were disagreements and hopes and trials and errors. There was trust and respect and shortcomings and forgiveness. There was pain and despair and unending questions. There was resilience. And there was pride in the kind of people we were. We are. We are fighters. And so we fought in the grey and learned to let go of certain things in order to play the infamous balancing game of intimacy and freedom.

And it was good sometimes and it wasn't others. But I think my point is that Everything, including freedom, comes at a cost. There is always a universal give and take and a relationship can look like literally anything and be loving provided the two people are willing to bare that cost. We could do anything we wanted. That didn't make it easy, but it made it ours. Isn't that magical?

It was tough to cherish the sweetness of freedom and the sweetness of intimacy in the grey. The lack of clarity, at some point, meant that we weren't savoring either. And so something needed to change, and it did- for the better. There is a time for accepting uncertainty and stomaching the grey, and there is a time for creating clarity and making a judgement call in search of some black or white. There is wisdom in knowing the difference, and it really helped to have a deep trust and respect along the whole ride.

I used to wonder why I always ended up being attracted to "Life Happens" people, whether that be in my friendships or romantic relationships. It felt like I was doomed to seek them out and suffer the same self-inflicted frustrations I felt in the previous "Life Happens" relationship dynamic. But I guess that was just the universe's way of telling me that something was out of balance. These people I've loved and continue to love have weathered away at my anxiety and fear. They've shown me through example the merits of riding the wave and letting life unfold. Granted, as my natural counterparts, they suffer the drawbacks of leaning too far in the other direction, but I have so much more understanding and grace for people like them and people like me. We both have our own battles we are fighting, and they may seem like they are on opposite ends of a spectrum at first glance, but in fact we are more similar than we are different. We are all fighters. We all are afraid of things and are all constantly in search of the courage and will to balance our scales.

As someone who has always used romantic relationships to escape the stresses of my life, I have decided that I am going to change something now. I am going to savor everything. The good, the bad, the imbalanced, the peace. I am going to enjoy the grey for its transience and relish the clarity for its bold and casual acceptance. I am so so so ever grateful to have experienced and actually learned from these relationships in my life that have kindly given me the opportunity to ease into my full being. It brings tears to my eyes just to feel the peace and evolution that I can see so clearly looking back. And now that I am single again, I am going to savor the freedom.

I am going to spread out on the cool linens of my queen bed and take up all the space. I am going to make life plans fully catering to my goals and passions, without the soft interference of accommodating another persons wants or aspirations. I am smiling in the mornings and marveling at the ease of pouring all that love into myself and my friends, whom deserve the world. And I do it all with the unshakable conviction that one day I will fall in love again. And one day I will not want to be single again and one day I will learn another lesson that the universe will bring me. And that time will come, and until then, this time will pass. And so instead of waiting, I will enjoy where I am. So that when life changes, I can let it change without regret that I didn't savor the other side of what I stand to gain.

When I lack the intimacy of a romantic relationship, instead of yearning for the thing I don't have, I will breathe in deeply the lightness and flexibility of freedom- the thing that is created in its absence. And like that, there will always be a counterpart to what I lack that will create space for what I am not cherishing in its absence. GRATITUDE. This past year, that has been my savior. What I considered a naive attempt to ease the aches of a cruel world, I now see is the balm to heal self-inflicted suffering.

And none of this is to say that I didn't enjoy being in a relationship with this wonderful person. I truly believe we both cherished every moment we could to the best of our ability. We sucked every last drop out of marrow out of what could have been and what was. And even in the end, the experience felt whole. We felt every tilt in one direction or the other, we rode the grey as long as we could stomach. We savored the late night moments that felt like magic. We felt the full weight of disagreements and incongruities that showed us that life is complex and constantly unraveling to entangle again. And against the odds, we fought for what we wanted. And that was love. And that continues, forever, to be love.

Isn't that magical?