Define Family

What makes someone family? The obvious answer is bloodline, right? Your parents who gave birth to you, and their parents who gave birth to them, and so on and so forth. But why is it that simply being born to someone makes it so that you suddenly owe them something. Does every child have a debt for existing?

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I struggle with this a lot because my mother gave me so much and raised me through thick and thin. My childhood is far from perfect, but I'd like to think that she did her best. Does that mean I owe her everything she ever gave me? How can you even begin to calculate such a complex payment?

And say that there were things that she owed me for the things that I have done. Does that mean that she now owes me something? Or that some of the debt just cancels each other off?

There is always this biological reason to owe your parents something. After all they raised you unconditionally, right?

And I think that is the problem. Conditional love in the guise of unconditional love. Do our parents raise us because they truly just love us? Or is it also because not doing so would lead to social ostracization or some personal guilt that they hadn't fulfilled their "role".

Of course I care for my mother and she cares for me, but there comes a point where feeling like you owe someone else something that you cannot pay back, is more a burden than a privilege.

Take college, for example. In Indian culture, it is normal for parents to fund their child all the way until they get out of college and get a job. It's a social norm, and because of it, children are expected to focus all of their attention on academics for that entire portion of their lives, while avoiding unnecessary jobs, extracurriculars, hanging out, or anything else that is deemed "a waste of time". Obviously I am hyperbolizing a little, but humor me for a second.

In American culture, the more individualistic society deems that the child should learn to be independent from a very young age and diversify themselves as a human. This entails kids funding their own college through working jobs or internships, and learning side skills which help students get into American colleges.

For a kid who grew up between these two worlds, the college education that my mother wholeheartedly funded felt like a debt more than a duty. What is intuitive for her (funding her kid through college) felt like a failure on my part, as I watched all my peer work part time while studying and boast about their savings. No one in this situation has bad intentions, but the clear disconnect happens because the two parties simply don't talk about what each other want. My mother cannot not pay for my college, and I struggle with not paying for college myself. In the end, I feel like I owe her something that she doesn't expect repaid.

Currently, I'm at my grandmother's house. Relative after relative keep stopping by to reintroduce themselves into my life. "You should see them to the door," my grandmother tells me. "Even though he's basically family, you have to give him something for his effort".

And I get it. I understand her intentions and the customs of this culture that relies on ceremoniously polite interactions...but it just feels fake?

Why buy me a gift that I don't want and then expect me to be happy in response - or worse - be disappointed that I'm not as excited as they had hoped and then label me "ungrateful"? Why force me to visit relatives houses in order to "maintain the relationship," when clearly the relationship isn't really worth maintaining? Why assume the you owe someone something and try so hard to pay it back, when in reality, there shouldn't be debt among family to begin with?

This whole "this is how it is done here" thing has really been getting on my nerves and I've only been in India for a couple days. "Get ready to go out," they'll say. "I am ready," I'll tell them, wearing the normal everyday clothes I always wear. "You can't go out like that. Change your shirt at least."

It's not that I don't understand their intentions. It's just that they assume that their intentions match my intentions. That since they care about their public appearance, I do too, or that I should too. It creates this rift of communication. A pile of little irritations that slowly grows with every "do this" or "do that".

Since I have gotten here, I haven't had one single conversation where the discussion did not begin with how bad my acne has gotten. I understand that they're concerned, or that they would be if their face lookely like mine, but the fact that they do not stop to concider how their intention manifests in other people, truly builds an animosity in me that I can't help. Yes. I have acne. I know. It's bad. Hi. How are you doing. Oh good yeah I'll try that method too. Let me just add it to the pile of 400 acne remedies that should magically cure me. Thanks. Smile.

It makes me uncomfortable. Why does family have to be difficult. Why do I not feel at home with family? And that brings me back to the question: What makes someone family?

I don't think it's the stupid rituals of seeing people off to the door, or speaking formally to your elders, or bloodline, or even doing each other favors.

I think family are the people who just... get it.

The people who sit next to you when you're crying your eyes out and lay your head on their shoulder without a word. The people who randomly reach out from time to time to remind you that they're still there for you. The people who stop what they're doing or feeling in order to be there when you need them more. The people who get angry for you when you call them at 2 in the morning with tears streaming down your face. The people who let you just sit there with them, not saying a word, because no one needs to say anything for the other to understand what's in your heart. The people who fly across the world just to exist in the same time and space with you.

And I know what you're thinking. This girl just said that you shouldn't assume what the other person wants. You should always ask to make sure that your intentions match their expectations. So you don't create miscommunications. And there is a place for that.

What I'm saying is that if you choose to give based on an assumption of what the other person wants, give unconditionally. Give without expecting anything back. Give without the feeling that you owe the other person something or the feeling that you are obligated to because you are family. Without pretending, because you shouldn't have to pretend to be someone else when you're with family.

Give because you can. And maybe you'll be surprised who your family is.