Big Dreams

I got my first job today. No, not an internship or paid favors for relatives. A job. And I'm very excited about it. It's not some high paying, career-ladder-stepping kind of gig. It's a job as a barista at a local coffee chain. But the lack of glamour doesn't disappoint me. I'm over the moon about it, actually. I'm smiling right now, writing this. And I'd be lying if I said this was just a little summer job to me.

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When I went to Seoul, I met a lovely coffee shop owner who changed my life for the better. I witnessed, first hand, someone live their dream of being something that was once to me a mundane and almost unworthy dream: a coffee shop owner. Where is the glamour? The grand gesture? The unrequited longing for something that was so detached from reality that only made you want it more?

Dreams have to be big, we're taught. The first astronaut on Mars. A world famous singer. The next big thing. We call the people who actually live these dreams legends, and stars, and the ones who "made it". The heroes in fairytales. And when we're sleeping, we live those dreams. We become the "one's who made it"- even if only for a moment. And it's nice. But it's also fleeting.

But despite all this, here was this humble coffee shop owner who just wanted a slice of happiness. Not the whole thing. And I found it really confusing at first.

Now, as I hold my brand new apron and name tag in front of me, complete with company logo and that new-clothing-wrapped-in-plastic smell, I get it.

I'm so excited to work and train as a barista. I've been practicing making coffee hearts over the past couple of months. Sure, they usually turn out like turnips or misshapen tennis balls, but I worked at it. Because I wanted to. Because it gave me joy to work. And sure I wasn't saving the world or curing cancer, but I was happy and I could make enough money to live doing it. Why does that make it less important? Less worthy of being a dream?

I met my coworkers today, and as my manager ran me through the paperwork, I couldn't help but laugh at all the banter around me. There was laughing and washing dishes and smiles peaking out from mask-covered faces. There were excuse-mes as we shimmied past one another in the cramped work area, but most of all there was this all-encompassing atmosphere of everyone wanting to be there. Everyone being present, and invested in their work, and happy. And it's just a coffee shop. "Just."

When I look at my apron and the little square that says AMULYA on it, I don't think about "just" an apron or "just" a name tag or "just" a coffee shop. I see a job that I chased after and wanted all on my own. I see an environment that welcomed me with open arms, that wanted me there, and that saw the value I could add to its world. I see a piece of myself, unencumbered by a "career path" or big nameless dreams that feel heavy and burdensome. Dreams that belong more to society or my family than me. I see just a life that I'm happy to live.

I don't think life has to be so complicated. It doesn't need to be this stressful. We are not meant to stake our reason for existing in one aspect of our beings. One thing- a career. I used to agonize over who I would be, or what I would become. I felt like I constantly had to plan and constantly set myself up for future Amulya's happiness, a life that I couldn't see or even know if I truly wanted.

I saw this video the other day where a mother was talking about an interaction she had with her kid. The child had a bowl of skittles and the mother found it peculiar when the kid ate all the good skittles first, saving the worst for last. "Well, I would have saved best for last," the mother told the kid, and the child shook their head. "But what if I'm full by the time I eat all the bad ones?"

What if we're all just saving the "best" dreams for last, in hopes that we can savor our happy ever afters in the end? And what if that end never comes? Or you grow to dislike skittles? Or someone walks by and drops all the rest onto the floor? What of our happiness then?

What if these big fairytale careers are not really what will leave us feeling fulfilled in the end? Then what are they for? Who are they for, rather. Because they're definitely not for me.

I want to be happy now. In the present. I want to be selfish and I want everyone to be selfishly happy when it comes to their "career" and their "dreams". Not in a hollow or immediate gratification kind of way. I want to be fulfilled by the life that I am living right now, as if tomorrow could be the end and I could rest knowing I got my happily ever after. I want to live life in this very moment doing what I love, knowing full well that my love could change to be something different over time. That I could grow to want a different life or job or friends, and that this would be completely okay. That my world wouldn't shake, even if it changed. That I could just make coffee, and that be enough.

That could be my dream.

And it is completely worthy.

And it is breathtakingly magical.